It's been a week since I've updated and it's just because I've been feeling really down lately.
I've battled depression my entire adult life. I'm at a point that I have finally accepted the fact that I will probably be on medication for the rest of my life and I'm okay with that if it means staying out of that deep dark abyss. Because once you fall in getting out is such a long difficult climb.
Lately though, I've been feeling myself slowly sinking. Nightmares have been creeping back while I'm asleep and I know that's a bad sign. It's not the nightmares as much as the subject of my nightmares. It may be time to visit the doctor and have a chat about it. I have a beautiful little boy who needs me and I cannot let myself be swallowed by depression because I need to be functioning and fully here for him. And it's not fair on my husband either.
I'm afraid though of being told that I may need to try a new medication. Because that always runs the risk of not working and allowing things to progressively get worse while I'm testing it out. I am terrified of it getting worse. Because the kind of depression I have comes with a lot of paranoia when it gets bad. The paranoia makes me want to avoid doctors for fear of hospitalization, which I know is silly when I'm not being paranoid. It's just a bad place to be mentally.
But, I will write a promise to myself and my family here. I will phone the doctor this week. I will do something about this.
Yesterday was a dark day for me. I understand depression. Being pregnant I can't go back on meds like I normally would having so many "episodes" as I've had lately. Even with Matt home I'm having them. Even worse actually. And really pregnancy makes me down. I had PPD with Eli once he was born. I expect it could be worse this time around. UGH.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't alone battling it. It's so hard to make sense of. Why we have this affliction. It's genetics. Chemical imbalances, and life experience all rolled into one I believe.
Well, hope you feel better. I feel often that I'm picking myself up just for others. Because if it was just up to myself I'd just wallow and read and sleep forever. At least for a week.
That's exactly what I'd be like it if weren't for my husband and the little one. I suppose it's good that they make me want to fight harder even if sometimes I'm only faking.
ReplyDeleteI talked to my husband about it yesterday and he thinks it's perhaps just the stress of our decision to move to Glasgow because he said he's been feeling much the same way. And it's not the kind of stress where you sit around worrying and fretting all day but it's just there in the back of your mind constantly.